.Lesson Four Point Something.

And suddenly I realised that I was no longer driving the car consciously. I was driving it by a kind of instinct, only I was in a different dimension - Ayrton Senna


Man alive! It's been 6 months since my last post and here I am, back with more driving guides for Idiots in Malaysia! No, not you readers out there.. well.. maybe some of you but hey, no worries there. This guide right here can provide you with an information or two whilst driving in this 24/7 PMS country called Malaysia. Rain, sunny, sunny, thunderstorm and back to hot as hell. No wonder we're always tan.


Enough rambling about. So what else is new in driving? Heard there'll be flying cars soon (Heard that every year for the last ten). If the Mayans are wrong, then I do hope it's a better design than what the Jetsons had.
In any case, it'll be a while before we'll be flying in cars. Like when I'm 50.


Let's continue on shall we? Today's lesson is a mini continuation of the last one which was mainly about driving Safely. As you know, there are tons and tons of cases each year that involves car theft, carjacking and whatever the hell you want to call it. 

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you along in making sure that your car is not just another case in the station. Indubitably.


.Lesson Four Point Something.


Securing your car to repel most thieves can cost you from nothing to how much you're willing to spend. Let's start small shall we?


1. Basic Steps



- Most drivers tend to showoff their collection of teddy bears, plushies, medals, tags etc bla bla bla in their cars. For them it might be cool to attract girls/guys and show their personality. Personally, I think it's a cry for help. At the same time, you're telling Mr. Thief to come by and have a look see if you've got more valuable items inside. 
Solution = Go pick up chicks/guys in clubs or Facebook or if you're desperate, Tagged. There are plenty of ways to show off your "personality" without attracting the wrong crowd. If you're suffering from ADD, I'd say keep it to a Minimal. And admit yourself to the Psych Ward. We have too many psychos on the road already and we sure as hell don't need another.

- Steering locks can range from RM 50 - RM 500. You can use them but you've seen too many cop/car/criminal shows to know that they don't actually work. One pop with the crowbar and they can just replace the locked steering with the one they brought along for the heist. So what can you do?
Solution = If you haven't bought a steering lock, opt for a brake pedal lock instead. Most new cars will have a feature where you have to press the break pedal to release the steering/start the car/even reverse. Plus it's hard for any thief to drive off without brakes. However if you have an old car, sell it and take the LRT instead.


2. Crucial Step
- Most important feature to have is a silent alarm/panic button in your car in case you're being carjacked. Most car alarm system nowadays have the technology. Heck, I even have it in my Waja when I first bought it. And please don't install car alarm systems that goes off with that bloody annoying sound, even if it's only a fat guy walking beside it. If I was a car thief, I would wait until you come by the car to switch the alarm off, bludgeoned you to death with that same steering lock you bought for RM 499 and bury you with all those wordings/sayings/plushies/dolls/whatever bla bla bla. To top it off, I'll even piss on your grave. That is how much I hate those long annoying alarms. 
Solution = DON'T USE THE ANNOYING ALARM. The last thing you want is a pissed off thief with nothing else to live for, waiting for you in the dark.

Best thing is to buy the GPS tracker for your car connected to your car alarm system as your Trump card. If all fails, you can always send the signal to the police and they'll be on it like a bitch in heat. 

There are other security measures that you can buy such as fingerprint system, voice recognition and all the high tech gadgets money can buy. Unless you're working as a spy and driving an Aston Martin, just forget about it and buy the basic for your shit Malaysian-made car. 


Until then, take care, be safe and above all else, use your Common Sense! - Berg out.

.Lesson Four.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it - Dudley Moore

Nowadays, with all the intelligent and cunning thieves/con-artists/masterminds running around making God-knows-how-much money in black market dealings, one can never be too cautious in ensuring their own survival in this day of age.

No, I will not cover how-to guide on not falling for cons such as Scratch-N-Win or Prince of Nigeria because I feel that if you do fall for that stuff, you're an Idiot. Really. So go back home and study up on Common Sense. Instead I will be covering a driving point of view on safety and security. Why, you ask? Because this is what the blog's all about, dumbass.

In all seriousness, let's get down to business. Safely.

.Lesson Four.

There's a lot to know about security and being safe when driving out and about. So I'll try to cover the basics and crucial ones to make sure I still have my readers (Yes, You!) alive and well for the next lesson. Shall we?

1. Basic Steps

- When driving alone, DO NOT leave your car running and buy stuff/withdraw money from ATM/saying hi to a friend walking by. Were you dropped when you were a wee lil baby? Are you that stupid? If you are, then you're exactly where I want you to be. This is a guide for idiots anyways.

- Always ensure that you park your car in a well-lit place. You don't want to be starring in a horror movie now, do you?

- Even if it's well-lit, don't take things for granted. Do check your surroundings before getting into your car. If there's a hooded figure lounging about your parking area, chances are, he/she is up to no good. Call the security guard to accompany you. They are required by law to do so now.

- Always check your vehicle before entering. If there's signs of a break-in, don't stop and be all CSI-like. Go straight to the security office and Find The Security Guard. If your wheels are flat? FTSG. If there's anything wrong with your car? FTSG. Not your car? Then it's stolen. Make a police report.

- Remember Urban Legend, the movie? You think it's a legend? If you do, I wish you the best of health. But if you don't, then check your backseat before entering your car.

- Ready your car keys and get inside hastily. It means FAST. Don't start jiggling your keys. This is not Hitched and you don't want him to make the first move.

- Once you are inside your vehicle, lock it ASAP. Don't start touching up your make-up or SMS-ing your friend "Otw" or trying to find the parking ticket that you're holding. This is usually the moment where hijacks happen. And you know, that don't end well.

2. Crucial Steps

- While driving, at any given time of the day, if a car bumps into yours, don't stop at the side of the road and get out to give your piece of mind. Nowadays, one of the cons include a part where they intentionally get into an accident with you, wait until you get of your car and beat the shit out of you. And then steal your car. So stop, take down the plate number and model of the car and go straight to the police station.

-  As seen above in the Basics, another tactic is to puncture your tires. So that, when you're looking for help to change it, there will be someone there conveniently to help you. First off, learn how to change it yourself, you lazy bum. Second, even if you do know how to, don't do it then and there. FTSG!

- One more tactic is to put flyers on your windshield. If you didn't see it when you enter your car, don't get out and remove it. Here's where being lazy pays off. Just act like nothing happen and drive off. Because these little distractions to make you get out of your vehicle are helping their cause to hijack it.

I will be making a few more parts on this lesson because there's a lot to cover. So look for the upcoming parts soon. Until then, use your Common Sense and be safe! If you don't have one, good luck! :P

.Lesson Three.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far - Billy Connolly

In most countries that I've been to, driving has never been too much of a harrowing experience. It was at least bearable to a point where my mind can still function after the ordeal. However, here in home sweet home, I came to find that almost everyone who visits Malaysia and drives the length of their stay here, ultimately changes their way of handling themselves on the road. In other words, they turned to the dark side.

I will try my best and focus on one thing at a time in my lessons. And as for today, continuing from lessons on avoiding accidents, we will indulge more on parking your vehicles. Properly. 

.Lesson Three.

Now as you know, parking here can be such a bitch. How can it not be? With increasing amount of drivers plus the idiot ones and insufficient parking places, it is essential to know some of the parking etiquette and forbidden parking practices.

1. LEARN how to park your vehicle properly.

- It will be damn obvious to people that you don't know a single thing about it if you take more than 5 minutes to park your car. So take some time off work, go home and practice the skills to perfect parking before you incur the wrath of 'The Key'.

2. Maintain the IDEAL distance between yours and theirs.

- Always ensure an ideal space for you to exit your vehicle after you've parked your car. 

- Ideal space here cannot be defined as able to open your door to the full extent. If the driver on your left side can't get in/out of their car, you know you've taken too much space to park your Kancil(refer Google for Malaysian made cars).

3. Be PATIENT.

- Always take a breather along when finding a parking space. It doesn't help to rush forward/backward as it causes confusion. People might think you're trying to rob/rape/find/kill somebody.

- But please don't drive too slow to find a space. If you want, drive slightly on the left/ right to let other people pass through.

4. Use your BRAIN.
- If you have no other choice and have to double/triple/quadruple park, please leave your contact number on your dashboard so that it's easy for the other person to call you when they want to drive out to their next destination. Failure to do this WILL result in smashed windshield, punctured tires, keymarks and most fun of all! Invisible vehicle. Trust me. It's amazing what rage can do these days.
- Furthermore, don't ask your passenger to get out, look for parking on foot and reserve one until you get there. Chances are you might not see him/her anymore. You have been warned.

Essentially, parking is a necessity. We can all be respectful of each other with the simple act of properly parking our vehicle in the space given. If not, I pray for my soul, that the world doesn't descend into anarchy. Hah.

Enjoy your parking rights while it lasts!