Tuesday, October 9, 2012

.Lesson Five.

Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned how to swear - Robert Paul

Hello fellow drivers and welcome to Lesson Five of Berg's Driving Guide for Idiots in Malaysia, or anywhere else for that matter. Few reasons why I put Malaysia in the title:
1. I live in Malaysia
2. I drive in Malaysia
3. There's a lot of idiotic drivers in Malaysia

Most people would disagree and say that they have the worst drivers ever in their own country, and for that I say Kudos! Here's something that you can use to educate those poor souls.

So let's move on to our next lesson, shall we? As you all can read from the quote above, today's lesson has something to do about anger management during driving. Yes, sometimes you feel like you want to take a swing at that idiot's head for driving too slow in the fast lane, sometimes you want to drive through the biker who swiped your side mirror as he swerve in and out of the traffic and sometimes you wish you can taser that son of a bitch who kept on flashing his headlights just so he can get to his destination a few minutes early.

No matter what killer urges you have, even if they really deserve it, there's always a need to be calm and collected. Keep calm and drive on. And if you can't keep calm, there's always small things that you can do legally to get back at those fuckers ;)

.Lesson Five.

So you think you can't hold in the anger anymore? Here are a few tips to ensure safe driving for you and others, before a killing spree starts and cops on your tail.

1. Basic Steps

- Need to vent that crazy inner Ted Bundy? Just listen to some soothing music. Not some instrumental Beethoven crap. Music that YOU like and always give you the inner peace you were looking for. Hey, if heavy metal puts you to a peaceful state, by all means go ahead and bang your head to the tunes of Black Sabbath, or whatever the crazy kids are listening to nowadays. Personally, I like songs that I can sing to. Or scream to for that matter. Heh.

- Music's not your cup of tea? Feel the need to punch it out? Then get yourself a stress ball. You know what, get yourself more stress balls. Just in case you actually throw one straight to that idiot's head. Read somewhere that aggressive people tend to relax more when they have a stress ball around to help them release their vicious state. And at the same time, it's a good exercise too. After a few months, I bet you can crush hands with just a friendly handshake.

- Another sure way to avoid a murderous rampage is to always take a deep breath and tell yourself that the other driver is an idiot. Repeat till anger subsides.

2. Crucial Steps

- It does help to go to the gym to release those devils inside. Me? No thanks. But I do exercise regularly.. even if my body shape doesn't agree.. but whenever you do feel anger or any emotion that might lead to suicidal rampage, exercising helps to release those crazy hormones out to the wild. Swim more I would say, it helps to cool you off too.

- Sign up for anger management. Hey, you never know, you might have that psychotic killer instinct hidden deep within waiting to reign hell onto this world. Getting professional help might help you see bunnies in a different light.

Well that's all for now I guess. Remember, Rampage is only good in video games, not in real life. See ya then, psychos! 

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

.Lesson Four Point Something.

And suddenly I realised that I was no longer driving the car consciously. I was driving it by a kind of instinct, only I was in a different dimension - Ayrton Senna

Man alive! It's been 6 months since my last post and here I am, back with more driving guides for Idiots in Malaysia! No, not you readers out there.. well.. maybe some of you but hey, no worries there. This guide right here can provide you with an information or two whilst driving in this 24/7 PMS country called Malaysia. Rain, sunny, sunny, thunderstorm and back to hot as hell. No wonder we're always tan.

Enough rambling about. So what else is new in driving? Heard there'll be flying cars soon (Heard that every year for the last ten). If the Mayans are wrong, then I do hope it's a better design than what the Jetsons had.
In any case, it'll be a while before we'll be flying in cars. Like when I'm 50.

Let's continue on shall we? Today's lesson is a mini continuation of the last one which was mainly about driving Safely. As you know, there are tons and tons of cases each year that involves car theft, carjacking and whatever the hell you want to call it. 

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you along in making sure that your car is not just another case in the station. Indubitably.

.Lesson Four Point Something.

Securing your car to repel most thieves can cost you from nothing to how much you're willing to spend. Let's start small shall we?

1. Basic Steps

- Most drivers tend to showoff their collection of teddy bears, plushies, medals, tags etc bla bla bla in their cars. For them it might be cool to attract girls/guys and show their personality. Personally, I think it's a cry for help. At the same time, you're telling Mr. Thief to come by and have a look see if you've got more valuable items inside. 
Solution = Go pick up chicks/guys in clubs or Facebook or if you're desperate, Tagged. There are plenty of ways to show off your "personality" without attracting the wrong crowd. If you're suffering from ADD, I'd say keep it to a Minimal. And admit yourself to the Psych Ward. We have too many psychos on the road already and we sure as hell don't need another.

- Steering locks can range from RM 50 - RM 500. You can use them but you've seen too many cop/car/criminal shows to know that they don't actually work. One pop with the crowbar and they can just replace the locked steering with the one they brought along for the heist. So what can you do?
Solution = If you haven't bought a steering lock, opt for a brake pedal lock instead. Most new cars will have a feature where you have to press the break pedal to release the steering/start the car/even reverse. Plus it's hard for any thief to drive off without brakes. However if you have an old car, sell it and take the LRT instead.

2. Crucial Step
- Most important feature to have is a silent alarm/panic button in your car in case you're being carjacked. Most car alarm system nowadays have the technology. Heck, I even have it in my Waja when I first bought it. And please don't install car alarm systems that goes off with that bloody annoying sound, even if it's only a fat guy walking beside it. If I was a car thief, I would wait until you come by the car to switch the alarm off, bludgeoned you to death with that same steering lock you bought for RM 499 and bury you with all those wordings/sayings/plushies/dolls/whatever bla bla bla. To top it off, I'll even piss on your grave. That is how much I hate those long annoying alarms. 
Solution = DON'T USE THE ANNOYING ALARM. The last thing you want is a pissed off thief with nothing else to live for, waiting for you in the dark.

Best thing is to buy the GPS tracker for your car connected to your car alarm system as your Trump card. If all fails, you can always send the signal to the police and they'll be on it like a bitch in heat. 

There are other security measures that you can buy such as fingerprint system, voice recognition and all the high tech gadgets money can buy. Unless you're working as a spy and driving an Aston Martin, just forget about it and buy the basic for your shit Malaysian-made car. 

Until then, take care, be safe and above all else, use your Common Sense! - Berg out.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

.Lesson Four.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it - Dudley Moore

Nowadays, with all the intelligent and cunning thieves/con-artists/masterminds running around making God-knows-how-much money in black market dealings, one can never be too cautious in ensuring their own survival in this day of age.

No, I will not cover how-to guide on not falling for cons such as Scratch-N-Win or Prince of Nigeria because I feel that if you do fall for that stuff, you're an Idiot. Really. So go back home and study up on Common Sense. Instead I will be covering a driving point of view on safety and security. Why, you ask? Because this is what the blog's all about, dumbass.

In all seriousness, let's get down to business. Safely.

.Lesson Four.

There's a lot to know about security and being safe when driving out and about. So I'll try to cover the basics and crucial ones to make sure I still have my readers (Yes, You!) alive and well for the next lesson. Shall we?

1. Basic Steps

- When driving alone, DO NOT leave your car running and buy stuff/withdraw money from ATM/saying hi to a friend walking by. Were you dropped when you were a wee lil baby? Are you that stupid? If you are, then you're exactly where I want you to be. This is a guide for idiots anyways.

- Always ensure that you park your car in a well-lit place. You don't want to be starring in a horror movie now, do you?

- Even if it's well-lit, don't take things for granted. Do check your surroundings before getting into your car. If there's a hooded figure lounging about your parking area, chances are, he/she is up to no good. Call the security guard to accompany you. They are required by law to do so now.

- Always check your vehicle before entering. If there's signs of a break-in, don't stop and be all CSI-like. Go straight to the security office and Find The Security Guard. If your wheels are flat? FTSG. If there's anything wrong with your car? FTSG. Not your car? Then it's stolen. Make a police report.

- Remember Urban Legend, the movie? You think it's a legend? If you do, I wish you the best of health. But if you don't, then check your backseat before entering your car.

- Ready your car keys and get inside hastily. It means FAST. Don't start jiggling your keys. This is not Hitched and you don't want him to make the first move.

- Once you are inside your vehicle, lock it ASAP. Don't start touching up your make-up or SMS-ing your friend "Otw" or trying to find the parking ticket that you're holding. This is usually the moment where hijacks happen. And you know, that don't end well.

2. Crucial Steps

- While driving, at any given time of the day, if a car bumps into yours, don't stop at the side of the road and get out to give your piece of mind. Nowadays, one of the cons include a part where they intentionally get into an accident with you, wait until you get of your car and beat the shit out of you. And then steal your car. So stop, take down the plate number and model of the car and go straight to the police station.

-  As seen above in the Basics, another tactic is to puncture your tires. So that, when you're looking for help to change it, there will be someone there conveniently to help you. First off, learn how to change it yourself, you lazy bum. Second, even if you do know how to, don't do it then and there. FTSG!

- One more tactic is to put flyers on your windshield. If you didn't see it when you enter your car, don't get out and remove it. Here's where being lazy pays off. Just act like nothing happen and drive off. Because these little distractions to make you get out of your vehicle are helping their cause to hijack it.

I will be making a few more parts on this lesson because there's a lot to cover. So look for the upcoming parts soon. Until then, use your Common Sense and be safe! If you don't have one, good luck! :P