.Lesson Five.

Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned how to swear - Robert Paul

Hello fellow drivers and welcome to Lesson Five of Berg's Driving Guide for Idiots in Malaysia, or anywhere else for that matter. Few reasons why I put Malaysia in the title:

1. I live in Malaysia

2. I drive in Malaysia

..and..

3. There's a lot of idiotic drivers in Malaysia

Most people would disagree and say that they have the worst drivers ever in their own country, and for that I say Kudos! Here's something that you can use to educate those poor souls.

So let's move on to our next lesson, shall we? As you all can read from the quote above, today's lesson has something to do about anger management during driving. Yes, sometimes you feel like you want to take a swing at that idiot's head for driving too slow in the fast lane, sometimes you want to drive through the biker who swiped your side mirror as he swerve in and out of the traffic and sometimes you wish you can taser that son of a bitch who kept on flashing his headlights just so he can get to his destination a few minutes early.

No matter what killer urges you have, even if they really deserve it, there's always a need to be calm and collected. Keep calm and drive on. And if you can't keep calm, there's always small things that you can do legally to get back at those fuckers ;)

.Lesson Five.

So you think you can't hold in the anger anymore? Here are a few tips to ensure safe driving for you and others, before a killing spree starts and cops on your tail.

1. Basic Steps

- Need to vent that crazy inner Ted Bundy? Just listen to some soothing music. Not some instrumental Beethoven crap. Music that YOU like and always give you the inner peace you were looking for. Hey, if heavy metal puts you to a peaceful state, by all means go ahead and bang your head to the tunes of Black Sabbath, or whatever the crazy kids are listening to nowadays. Personally, I like songs that I can sing to. Or scream to for that matter. Heh.

- Music's not your cup of tea? Feel the need to punch it out? Then get yourself a stress ball. You know what, get yourself more stress balls. Just in case you actually throw one straight to that idiot's head. Read somewhere that aggressive people tend to relax more when they have a stress ball around to help them release their vicious state. And at the same time, it's a good exercise too. After a few months, I bet you can crush hands with just a friendly handshake.

- Another sure way to avoid a murderous rampage is to always take a deep breath and tell yourself that the other driver is an idiot. Repeat till anger subsides.

2. Crucial Steps

- It does help to go to the gym to release those devils inside. Me? No thanks. But I do exercise regularly.. even if my body shape doesn't agree.. but whenever you do feel anger or any emotion that might lead to suicidal rampage, exercising helps to release those crazy hormones out to the wild. Swim more I would say, it helps to cool you off too.

- Sign up for anger management. Hey, you never know, you might have that psychotic killer instinct hidden deep within waiting to reign hell onto this world. Getting professional help might help you see bunnies in a different light.

Well that's all for now I guess. Remember, Rampage is only good in video games, not in real life. See ya then, psychos! 

.Lesson Four Point Something.

And suddenly I realised that I was no longer driving the car consciously. I was driving it by a kind of instinct, only I was in a different dimension - Ayrton Senna


Man alive! It's been 6 months since my last post and here I am, back with more driving guides for Idiots in Malaysia! No, not you readers out there.. well.. maybe some of you but hey, no worries there. This guide right here can provide you with an information or two whilst driving in this 24/7 PMS country called Malaysia. Rain, sunny, sunny, thunderstorm and back to hot as hell. No wonder we're always tan.


Enough rambling about. So what else is new in driving? Heard there'll be flying cars soon (Heard that every year for the last ten). If the Mayans are wrong, then I do hope it's a better design than what the Jetsons had.
In any case, it'll be a while before we'll be flying in cars. Like when I'm 50.


Let's continue on shall we? Today's lesson is a mini continuation of the last one which was mainly about driving Safely. As you know, there are tons and tons of cases each year that involves car theft, carjacking and whatever the hell you want to call it. 

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you along in making sure that your car is not just another case in the station. Indubitably.


.Lesson Four Point Something.


Securing your car to repel most thieves can cost you from nothing to how much you're willing to spend. Let's start small shall we?


1. Basic Steps



- Most drivers tend to showoff their collection of teddy bears, plushies, medals, tags etc bla bla bla in their cars. For them it might be cool to attract girls/guys and show their personality. Personally, I think it's a cry for help. At the same time, you're telling Mr. Thief to come by and have a look see if you've got more valuable items inside. 
Solution = Go pick up chicks/guys in clubs or Facebook or if you're desperate, Tagged. There are plenty of ways to show off your "personality" without attracting the wrong crowd. If you're suffering from ADD, I'd say keep it to a Minimal. And admit yourself to the Psych Ward. We have too many psychos on the road already and we sure as hell don't need another.

- Steering locks can range from RM 50 - RM 500. You can use them but you've seen too many cop/car/criminal shows to know that they don't actually work. One pop with the crowbar and they can just replace the locked steering with the one they brought along for the heist. So what can you do?
Solution = If you haven't bought a steering lock, opt for a brake pedal lock instead. Most new cars will have a feature where you have to press the break pedal to release the steering/start the car/even reverse. Plus it's hard for any thief to drive off without brakes. However if you have an old car, sell it and take the LRT instead.


2. Crucial Step
- Most important feature to have is a silent alarm/panic button in your car in case you're being carjacked. Most car alarm system nowadays have the technology. Heck, I even have it in my Waja when I first bought it. And please don't install car alarm systems that goes off with that bloody annoying sound, even if it's only a fat guy walking beside it. If I was a car thief, I would wait until you come by the car to switch the alarm off, bludgeoned you to death with that same steering lock you bought for RM 499 and bury you with all those wordings/sayings/plushies/dolls/whatever bla bla bla. To top it off, I'll even piss on your grave. That is how much I hate those long annoying alarms. 
Solution = DON'T USE THE ANNOYING ALARM. The last thing you want is a pissed off thief with nothing else to live for, waiting for you in the dark.

Best thing is to buy the GPS tracker for your car connected to your car alarm system as your Trump card. If all fails, you can always send the signal to the police and they'll be on it like a bitch in heat. 

There are other security measures that you can buy such as fingerprint system, voice recognition and all the high tech gadgets money can buy. Unless you're working as a spy and driving an Aston Martin, just forget about it and buy the basic for your shit Malaysian-made car. 


Until then, take care, be safe and above all else, use your Common Sense! - Berg out.