.Lesson Four.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it - Dudley Moore

Nowadays, with all the intelligent and cunning thieves/con-artists/masterminds running around making God-knows-how-much money in black market dealings, one can never be too cautious in ensuring their own survival in this day of age.

No, I will not cover how-to guide on not falling for cons such as Scratch-N-Win or Prince of Nigeria because I feel that if you do fall for that stuff, you're an Idiot. Really. So go back home and study up on Common Sense. Instead I will be covering a driving point of view on safety and security. Why, you ask? Because this is what the blog's all about, dumbass.

In all seriousness, let's get down to business. Safely.

.Lesson Four.

There's a lot to know about security and being safe when driving out and about. So I'll try to cover the basics and crucial ones to make sure I still have my readers (Yes, You!) alive and well for the next lesson. Shall we?

1. Basic Steps

- When driving alone, DO NOT leave your car running and buy stuff/withdraw money from ATM/saying hi to a friend walking by. Were you dropped when you were a wee lil baby? Are you that stupid? If you are, then you're exactly where I want you to be. This is a guide for idiots anyways.

- Always ensure that you park your car in a well-lit place. You don't want to be starring in a horror movie now, do you?

- Even if it's well-lit, don't take things for granted. Do check your surroundings before getting into your car. If there's a hooded figure lounging about your parking area, chances are, he/she is up to no good. Call the security guard to accompany you. They are required by law to do so now.

- Always check your vehicle before entering. If there's signs of a break-in, don't stop and be all CSI-like. Go straight to the security office and Find The Security Guard. If your wheels are flat? FTSG. If there's anything wrong with your car? FTSG. Not your car? Then it's stolen. Make a police report.

- Remember Urban Legend, the movie? You think it's a legend? If you do, I wish you the best of health. But if you don't, then check your backseat before entering your car.

- Ready your car keys and get inside hastily. It means FAST. Don't start jiggling your keys. This is not Hitched and you don't want him to make the first move.

- Once you are inside your vehicle, lock it ASAP. Don't start touching up your make-up or SMS-ing your friend "Otw" or trying to find the parking ticket that you're holding. This is usually the moment where hijacks happen. And you know, that don't end well.

2. Crucial Steps

- While driving, at any given time of the day, if a car bumps into yours, don't stop at the side of the road and get out to give your piece of mind. Nowadays, one of the cons include a part where they intentionally get into an accident with you, wait until you get of your car and beat the shit out of you. And then steal your car. So stop, take down the plate number and model of the car and go straight to the police station.

-  As seen above in the Basics, another tactic is to puncture your tires. So that, when you're looking for help to change it, there will be someone there conveniently to help you. First off, learn how to change it yourself, you lazy bum. Second, even if you do know how to, don't do it then and there. FTSG!

- One more tactic is to put flyers on your windshield. If you didn't see it when you enter your car, don't get out and remove it. Here's where being lazy pays off. Just act like nothing happen and drive off. Because these little distractions to make you get out of your vehicle are helping their cause to hijack it.

I will be making a few more parts on this lesson because there's a lot to cover. So look for the upcoming parts soon. Until then, use your Common Sense and be safe! If you don't have one, good luck! :P

.Lesson Three.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far - Billy Connolly

In most countries that I've been to, driving has never been too much of a harrowing experience. It was at least bearable to a point where my mind can still function after the ordeal. However, here in home sweet home, I came to find that almost everyone who visits Malaysia and drives the length of their stay here, ultimately changes their way of handling themselves on the road. In other words, they turned to the dark side.

I will try my best and focus on one thing at a time in my lessons. And as for today, continuing from lessons on avoiding accidents, we will indulge more on parking your vehicles. Properly. 

.Lesson Three.

Now as you know, parking here can be such a bitch. How can it not be? With increasing amount of drivers plus the idiot ones and insufficient parking places, it is essential to know some of the parking etiquette and forbidden parking practices.

1. LEARN how to park your vehicle properly.

- It will be damn obvious to people that you don't know a single thing about it if you take more than 5 minutes to park your car. So take some time off work, go home and practice the skills to perfect parking before you incur the wrath of 'The Key'.

2. Maintain the IDEAL distance between yours and theirs.

- Always ensure an ideal space for you to exit your vehicle after you've parked your car. 

- Ideal space here cannot be defined as able to open your door to the full extent. If the driver on your left side can't get in/out of their car, you know you've taken too much space to park your Kancil(refer Google for Malaysian made cars).

3. Be PATIENT.

- Always take a breather along when finding a parking space. It doesn't help to rush forward/backward as it causes confusion. People might think you're trying to rob/rape/find/kill somebody.

- But please don't drive too slow to find a space. If you want, drive slightly on the left/ right to let other people pass through.

4. Use your BRAIN.
- If you have no other choice and have to double/triple/quadruple park, please leave your contact number on your dashboard so that it's easy for the other person to call you when they want to drive out to their next destination. Failure to do this WILL result in smashed windshield, punctured tires, keymarks and most fun of all! Invisible vehicle. Trust me. It's amazing what rage can do these days.
- Furthermore, don't ask your passenger to get out, look for parking on foot and reserve one until you get there. Chances are you might not see him/her anymore. You have been warned.

Essentially, parking is a necessity. We can all be respectful of each other with the simple act of properly parking our vehicle in the space given. If not, I pray for my soul, that the world doesn't descend into anarchy. Hah.

Enjoy your parking rights while it lasts!

.Lesson Two.

Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated - Jean Baudrillard

With an increasing amount of cars/motorcycles/bicycles/buses/trishaws flooding the roads of Malaysia, accidents are bound to happen. In today's lesson, we will be diving into how to avoid them or in some certain cases of stupidity, decrease the amount of accidents per annum. Thus provide you with savings to spend on upgrades later like baseball bats, turbo boost, spinners, spoilers and an extensive medical kit (For when your fighting skills fails you).


.Lesson Two.


In order to avoid accidents, drivers should pay attention to the road and be focused. So please follow these instructions stated below:

1. Always signal in the direction you wish to go.
- One second signal doesn't count. People are not as observant as you think. 
- If you can flick your middle finger when somebody cuts you, you're more than capable to flick the signal. Use that middle finger for a better purpose. Middle fingers can save lives.
- NEVER signal and take your own sweet time to enter the lane. If you do, expect a car to come and smash your bumper. 
- ALWAYS know where you're going and signal appropriately. If you're lost, buy a GPS system. If you're still lost, stop and ask for directions. If you're STILL lost, you're an idiot. Stay home and start knitting or take up public transportation. Nope. Don't get me started on public transport. Just stay home.


2. Always be vigilant and observant of your surroundings.
- You're not Spiderman so check your mirrors to know where the other cars are.
- DON'T use your mirrors to check how good looking you are while driving. It might be the last thing you remember.
- Refrain from texting/sexting/facetiming/foursquaring/facebooking or whatever social interactions via devices while driving. You might just end up being the Mayor of a nearby hospital. 
- NEVER do any physical acts with your passenger while driving. There's a time and place for everything in this new age era and cars aren't playgrounds. Go to your local park and go crazy there. *This includes making out, kinky sex acts, roughhousing, poking etc* 


3. Be courteous and speed according to the limit.
- If you see another driver signalling to enter your lane, don't be a dick and speed to block him/her. You're not a kid anymore. Learn and start sharing.
- If you're late for work, DON'T start flashing your lights and tailgate expecting a sympathy pass from every car in front of you. Wake up early next time, idiot. 
- If you're stuck in a traffic jam, DON'T look for an easy way out and swing in and out the traffic. Shaving off seconds doesn't get you the champagne treatment on the podium. Refer above to avoid traffic, idiot.
- DON'T hog the fast lane and drive at a measly 40km/hr. You're looking for trouble. And Trouble will be in touch soon.
- If you're a defensive driver, that's always a plus point. BUT don't keep flooring the brakes every 5 damn seconds. Driving it's not the same as being in a conga line. If you're too afraid to drive, then don't. STAY HOME.


4. Whatever you do, NEVER EVER pick your nose while driving. It might cause others to drive off a cliff. Be considerate will you? Sheesh.


That will be it for now. I might come back and indulge more on this topic later when more idiots roam the freeway. I do hope that at least by the next lesson, road accidents caused by nose pickers will be reduced significantly. Heh. Wishful thinking.


Sadly, I didn't get to key the car that cut me off yesterday. *Sigh*  Hope that tomorrow will be a better day for us all! =)

.Lesson One.

And luckily, therefore the good old days return. The traditional art of driving counts again, and it is all about good tactics, skills and reflexes instead of simple power - Jackie Ickx

Before I go on further, let me clue you in about what driving in Malaysia is all about. It's about precision. It's about intimidation. It's all about you and no one else.  It's a matter of being able to be the first person in front of the line whatever the cost. Hence the high fatality rate on the road and in supermarkets. o_0

I'm not going to indulge on how other Asian countries driving styles are because our tourism motto says it all. "Malaysia, Truly Asia". So here it goes!


.Lesson One. 


Let's start with the basics. As you know, here we are used to right-hand drive. With that in mind, when driving in Malaysia, ALWAYS remember that:

1. Middle lane is the left lane
2. Left lane is the right lane
3. Right lane is the left lane
4. Emergency lane is reserved for emergency speeding. 
5. If there happens to be a car that is driving in 2 lanes at one time, then that driver is drunk/sleepy/auntie/uncle/undecided/lost or just your run-of-the-mill idiot. 
6. If 3 lanes at one time, it is an accident, AVOID at all times. 
7. If all 4, then God's driving. Please give way.


I hope with this 7 basic steps to driving, you have a little insight of how to survive in this dog-eat-dog world of handling your vehicle in Malaysia. Next lesson will be up as soon as I get my hands on the driver who cut me off this morning. 


Have a pleasant day ahead!